Sympathy for the Devil

How fitting that my first post on this new blog would be about obsession, forbidden love, lust, pain, anger, sexual attraction--all things I am known for, for better and for worse. Have been TORTURING myself all day because I wrote to this ex-lover of mine when I swore I wouldn't. As I told Z, I couldn't resist. He and I work together but it's a big office and most of the time I can avoid seeing him. However, today I was meeting with Diva and jumped up from my seat to go off and find out something and didn't see EX coming my way. We sort of ran into each other but I wasn't even aware that it was him at first--since I wasn't really looking. I just sort of said oops sorry and then looked up and it was HIM. The Devil. Too brightly, I think, I said, "Oh Hi!!!" and then we both sort of ran away. We do that whenever we see each other (at least, in my paranoid mind, that's how it seems to me). Well Diva knows the whole story and she said it must be awful to have to run into him like that. Her exact words were something like, most people don't have to see someone who caused them so much pain at work. Truer words were never said. Anyhow...back to couldn't resist. Well I was sitting here and basically some strange long-suppressed compulsion made me send him a note... You've seen it but I'll post it anyhow: Did I almost run you over? Sorry! Reply:no, no. But I can't think of anyone I'd more like to be runover by... :) Now this is his typical flirty reply. The man has NO shame. Do you think he has any notion of how that shit affects me emotionally? Because (and this is because this blogspace is here for me to be HONEST) my first reaction to that was feminine pleasure. Oh look, he's flirting with me. I proceeded to thank him for the compliment and THEN I wished him a belated happy birthday (it was last week, and of course I remember. ) This is the main reason I'm torturing myself...how much does he love the fact that I did that? Am moritified to think he may find it odd that I remember his birthday. Odd or obsessive. I don't want him to think I still have a thing for him! Ah and here's the rub. I apparently DO still have kind of a thing for him. This is terrible for me to put down. The man just...AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.I can honestly say that he's like heroin for me. If I took one hit I'd be hooked again. I feel it. All day I've kind of agonized about this and why I feel this pull--I don't think any other man in my life has had this evil effect on me. Seriously. And maybe it's all wrapped up in how horrible it all was, and I know it was all wrong, and he didn't care about me and I got hurt...it's just sick! This side of me has me scared. I don't want to be unhappy like I was during that time. I want to be happy. I love Paul very much, probably more than I ever have...I fancy him. He's solid, dependable...he "gets" me. When we fight it's awful and I want to make up. I scream at him like I've never screamed at any man. I really think it's healthy, the way we fight. So why do I feel so dangerous right now, like I could go and do something that would hurt him. Not with The Devil. But with someone like The Devil. This is an awful state I'm in. Devil holds so much sway over me. It's fucking incredible how disturbed I've been all day. Fraps, you've had people in your life who made or still make you feel that way? I'm not so abnormal, am I?