Addendum

Wanted to add that now that I'm home, having gone to the gym and worked out like crazy to sweat out this strange sexual attraction I have to the most awful man in the universe...I feel a little better.

Paul just made me dinner, for chrissakes. I much prefer to be waited on than to be someone's lapdog.

Oh I don't know what it is. Devil and I have quite a history. He and I were always able to block out real life when we were together. I know he's a horrible person. You don't need to tell me that. Maybe it's the fantasy aspect I'm missing. Paul is my boy. He'll always be my boy, unless I toss him aside in a stupid act of self-hating stupidity.

Okay now I've been drinking, so deal with THAT.

Here's the thing. I really thought Devil hated me, but apparently I'm the one hanging on to old emotions. He's perfectly happy to flirt with me, because as usual it doesn't mean anything to him. I think I'm jealous. I'd like to not care. He's remarried with a one-year old boy. But I have no doubt he's been unfaithful. It's his M.O. It's what he does.

I want a baby and can't have one. I seriously think it's Paul that has the problem, with all his damn bike riding. I read an article about how it causes sterility. What does he care? He HAS a child.

You know, there's so much in my head I can't wait to get out on this blog. Forgive me for being selfish. I love all of you reading this (the precious few). If you have this blog address that means I REALLY LOVE YOU and TRUST you beyond time. Please don't advertise this address, and leave it up to me to give it to people. I've already decided my sister can't read this, much as I love her. She just won't understand.