What's On My Mind This Evening

Open Letter to My Fraps:

I love you so very much. Sometimes, when I'm at work, I try to join in your discussions or comment on your lives. I can't always be as eloquent as I'd like to be...I'm distracted by stupid co-workers, some issue that requires my attention when I'd much rather be frapping and thinking about YOU.

I am never trying to minimalize what you're going through or trying to offer you "pat, trite" solutions or suggestions. Sometimes it's all I can do to comment briefly, and I feel guilty that it takes me days to offer observations. Maybe you should step back and realize that I often feel left out of your discussions. I am obviously not privy to many of your stories, it seems I hear about them secondhand most of the time. Think about this and you'll realize I am right.

I feel so cut off from you so often, but that doesn't mean I'm bitter. It means, cut me some slack and don't think I don't care about what's happening to you. Pfrap is ALWAYS loving you and wanting the best for you...but sometimes she can't give you the flowery extensive comments she would like to. It means I have a crap job that distracts me from my pals and I am just trying to keep up.

This seems like a whine and maybe it is. All I'm saying is, who loves you more than I do? No one. You can search everywhere and no one loves you more than Pfrap. Pfrap is here for her girls always.

And F, special note to you: Thank you for your apology. I am sure you're going through something, trying to figure out what to do, and wanted something more than I was able to give at the time...but sweetheart, I can't offer you more than what I said, ultimately. I love you and want you to be happy. I don't find that trite, it's just the truth. I could write a poem about how I think no one is good enough for you, would that help?

No one is! And please don't get involved with another troubled person. Okso, also, remember that when you get involved with someone who has a child, that child becomes a part of the equation. You are thinking about getting involved with an ADULT. Tread carefully, children hate to be an afterthought.

Jesus. I love you so much F. As I love all my pals. If I sometimes fail you all in terms of my input, remember that I HATE being so far away from you and it kills me to feel left out. I feel that way alot.

The time difference is part of it, for sure. Right now I'd love to talk to one of you but I can't, you are either sleeping or out doing something fun. And it's so freakin expensive to call you anyway. That is one of the reasons our trip to Lagos will always be so special. We were able to just be together.

I am trying to think of more eloquent things to say but I had to get this out. I will admit to editing it after F and I talked (via email)...but it makes me so happy to be able to send you this letter. My biggest hope is that you three can feel how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much I HATE not being in BN so I can understand what you go through. I'm just this little broadcast idiot who has to deal with fucking fuckheads.

Mother P is always here for you, and always will be. That's why I sent that stupid (yet strangely touching) email about SISTERS.

Love and many kisses, P