My Favorite TomKat Guests

How thin is she? and what's with the hat??? Although I do love it.

His sweater though...wow. that is truly hideous! He can only get away with it because he's GORGEOUS

Er....

F, I just tried to get onto your blog. Um. ?????????? Apparently I am REALLY out of the loop. Wow.

Anyhow, hi again. Sunday afternoon. Wanted to blog again as I can. Paul is out riding his bike. I was going to go with him but he went to Far Rockaway or something like that. And it's only about 40 degrees outside. Am not interested in freezing my butt off.

I wanted to mention, in light of yesterday's entry...that I have been shopping online for engagement rings. So it's not that bad. Our relationship is just...complicated. Like most. He's getting grey and his favorite line lately is to say...you know where that comes from? And my proper response..."me".

Probably true.

Speaking of the ring thing, I am just shopping for styles I like. Apparently this is how it's done...friends have said to me, don't let him pick it. He is happy for the help, as long as I don't pick out a 20 thousand dollar ring.

It will be platinum. I like the square stones (princess) and also the classic round shape. Just writing this down makes me a little crazy. As in...pressure! what am i DOING. ha

Paul just called. He's on the train coming back from out nowhere. Frozen. I am heating up soup for him. I made it yesterday, kind of to honor Z. Squash soup. It was YUMMY. I am so domesticated (yeah, that's right...laugh all you want)!

I did consult chef Paul several times...but he left me alone for the most part. He knows better now.

So I am supposed to go to London with TK soon. Will get details so we can have a min-summit soon. I hope. I am thinking of my Fraps in Paris and wishing I was with you. Love you. XOXO.
Mua. Mua.

Posting again

So Listen S, this isn't so bad. We kind of look like sisters! UNable, however, to recover the Flavia poem. Wish I could remember it but I am drunk.

Saturday Night, in the Smoking Room

The "office", to avoid naming names, has just given me this new laptop with WiFi. Which means I can log on to the Internet anywhere, anytime...and so I'm in our smoking room posting this entry...smoking. Paul is in the other room, and he can't see what I'm doing. At least till he comes in to "smoke".

I know smoking's bad for me. We'll see what happens when I go for a mammogram soon. Hope there are no dark spots on my lungs or anything weird like that. I have been half-heartedly trying to quit since my birthday.

Anyhow, this laptop replaces the piece of shit that wouldn't work when we were down in DC. As TK's right-hand woman, I was upgraded on his command. Love it (although it took several weeks).

I have successfully put iTunes and my Palm on this new laptop. Am pleased with my computer capabilities. Okay so, enough.

It's been a rough week. Busy busy busy and Friday was the capper...another knock-down, drag-out with Paul. We are at peace at the moment, but Jesus...relationships are hard. One of the reasons I can't communicate with you all as much as I'd like is that I am working at this...thing...I am in. Nesting. I've been having extreme angst about the whole thing. Experiencing the joys (NOT!) of stepmotherhood. Jaz is becoming an issue, for me at least.

I love her dearly. But her freaking attitude annoys the hell out of me and I'm starting to wonder why I want a kid of my own. I am starting to appreciate my mother's stories about my "moodiness". God help me.

Jaz needs to be more organized. I am discovering that teenagers just don't have it together. There is alot on her plate, to be sure. But holy hell, someone take control...hello Mother? Father??? Don't leave it to StepMother to keep it all going.

I have been resentful lately of how I am the one who gets up with Jaz, makes sure she gets off to school, has all her books and her phone and her jacket...while Dad sleeps blissfully in the bed. Diva says to tell him I want him to do it, but this backfired on Friday.

Jaz was sleeping over...had to get up on Friday morning. I asked Paul the night before to PLEASE get up, make sure she got off okay. So the alarm goes off. It wakes me up but I think I'll be able to go back to sleep. Well...Paul gets up, tells Jazmine to wake up, then comes back in the bed. After a few minutes of no sound from the other room, Paul yells JAZMINE! to make sure she's up.

Right in my ear.

My response? "You suck."

When I get up with her, I close the bedroom door, creep around...make sure we're not too loud.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

I wanted to kill him. My resentment built all day till we had a screaming fight in the control room during TK's show.

I don't know what brought it all on. Well I have some idea but it's just so much to write down. I just...I feel pressure. From work, from the relationship...money-wise. Jaz called the other day, she had forgotten her keys to the apartment. I said, well come to the office.

Nah, that's a schlep (how New York can you get?).

Well, said I, it sucks to be you but I can't leave right now.

So she had to wait about an hour till I could leave the office and come home and let her in. Diva said, why doesn't Dad take care of that? Well, Dad was working late on something and I could leave earlier. I don't feel like the time to make a statement about who is boss of Jaz was after dark, when she was left sitting on a stoop.

OY.

We left that party I blogged about early because we were concerned that Jaz would not be home when we got there. She waited till we were downtown to call and say she'd been invited to "something" and couldn't she go?

Who will be there? where is this? asked Daddy.

I don't know, was the reply.

He told her she couldn't go but uh...we were at least 40 minutes away by cab so who knows? We think she wanted to go and hang with a friend she's been forbidden to see...and as the night wore on, we were both concerned that she would defy her dad.

Her mother called Paul at the party to say she couldn't reach Jaz and where was she? Turns out Jaz hadn't brought her phone charger and so her phone died.

I said, at the party...how convenient.

Paul: What does that mean?

I said..."oh girls are devious. You should know that." Diva totally agreed with me.

Anyhow, she was home when we got home but this is becoming annoying. And...it's just the beginning.

I don't know if it's easier to be single or to be in a relationship. Both are difficult. But this...PARENTING thing...erg.

Trying to FUCKING BLOG

I am still having trouble with this site. I think I need to face the fact that this laptop is a piece of shittt. Half the time I can't even access the damn thing.

Okso, calming down. Hello everyone. It is a beautiful Saturday, Jazmine is sleeping, I'm sipping a SugarFree Red Bull (yes, still hooked on them). Paul isn't here. Let's see if I can get in a monster posting.

Well since I've been so not blogging, I'll just start with today and see where it goes.

Big party tonight at KC's home downtown. Tony K, an ex-employee of our esteemed firm, is celebrating the settlement of his lawsuit with our firm (hope this is vague enough) with a big party. His lawyer is supplying the champagne, apparently. And KC is providing her fab apartment as the venue.

B, a fellow employee who is a friend of Tony, is invited. JG, who was once outed by TK as having had a few drinks before she went on the air, is not. JG hates Tony. However, B wants to bring JG because they've uh...long been rumored to be DOING IT. I told KC yesterday that this seems to prove that theory true. What we can't understand is why JG, who is kinda hot, would want to hang with B, who is not. And who is also about 15 years younger. He is no Ashton Kutcher. He's kind of a doofus. KC actually said to me that he is bringing the level of the party "down a notch".

I can't wait to see what happens if JG actually does show up. I can't imagine why she would want to go to the party (except I suppose it gives her a reason to hang out with B). Maybe she and Tony will start a fight. It's always a better party with some drama.

Hoping NOT to supply drama is yours truly. Things with me have been calm, sort of. Paul and I aren't fighting. We've just been so damn busy...and I was kind of looking forward to spending the weekend alone...but as I said in the earlier post, we've got Jazmine here. Now I love Jaz...but this is a small apartment.

The baby thing isn't happening. Just not going anywhere. We're still trying but I was really kind of devastated this time when I realized all our planning hadn't worked. Although my mother told me she didn't go through menopause till she was 56! My god. So maybe I've still got lots of time (although I'm not sure how old a mother I really want to be).

And now the job thing is really heating up. TK is just fun to work with. He's a big flirt, too. He told me once I was a "walking HR complaint"...but he is ten times worse. He talks to every pretty girl who walks by in the office. He calls them cupcakes. And he walks a fine line with me as well. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure what to think. TK isn't predatory the way Magoo is...but he's taken to text messaging me at night and on the weekends. Not all the time. But enough that I kind of wonder why he's thinking about ME at those moments. Sometimes they are work-related. Often though, he's joking around, gossiping with me about where he is or what he and his girlfriend are fighting about. I try to keep it light but even Paul has suggested that I talk to him about it. You just don't know if you're making too much out of it or not. TK strikes me as the walking HR complaint. He says he was raised to tell a girl at least once a day that she was beautiful...I think he needs to be more careful. Not so much with me. Let's face it--been there, done that. No danger of going there again. But in general. He brings out the maternal in me.

On the work front, I am learning how to schmooze economists and academics...and being producer and booker takes up my whole frigging day. I now speak to MW regularly, since he sits next to TK. I am in this whole other orbit and it's a little overwhelming. I am studying economics (yes, I've gone whole hog on this new gig) and I'm just...all about the show. And it's amazing how everyone stays out of my way. TK makes sure they stay out of my way. He's good for that.

The weirdest part of the day has become the time when TK and I are coming into the studio for the 2pm show, and Magoo and SP, his producer, are leaving. It's like, oh hey hi. EVERY DAY. It is so...weird!!!

So that's a quick catch up on what's been going on. Nothing really...and everything. My new hours mean I am not in the office when you all are (those of you overseas). I miss frap tests and one-act plays. I miss chit chatting. I hope to get a handle on all of this soon.

I enjoy it but let me just say boldly, four months of maternity leave would be preferable. I am actually ending this early as Young Jazmine is stirring. She can't see this blog, that's for sure. Love you all.

I love this photo

I just do. Am looking at photos since I can't write. And Paul has been squinting at this website address. Must counteract that by uh...boffing him.

Oh I can't even do that, his daughter is here.

This Is So Annoying

I had trouble logging on again tonight. Jesus Christ, give me a break. This website is busting my balls (if I had any).

So we have Jazmine for the weekend and beyond. This duty as stepmother is definitely taxing my gig as frap and free-floating woman. I have to be all responsible. Turns out, she was supposed to go on a trip with her mother and stepdad this weekend, but she's been so SULLEN and MOODY and TEENAGERish that she has been dumped on us for the weekend.

I say that with love. Jaz is just 13. That means she hates her mother and loves hanging with her dad and her stepmom.

Anyhow, the point is, I don't have the blogging freedom I always had and it's been like this lately. Also, these family obligations will keep me from Paris and my fraps. I don't have the days to take to be with you. Fuck it all to hell.

Plus my job is just...beyond demanding. It's been great over the past two weeks or so, in that TK is super happy with me and he keeps telling all the people that can give me a huge salary increase that fact. It's just that it's Tk,24-7, trying to turn him into a radio powerhouse. and call me crazy, I think I can do it for him. All the economists want to do his show. But it's all on me and I have been dreaming about the job.

This is why I need to have a baby. But alas, it is not happening. Even with the charting. Oh well. You are my babies, all of you.

Have to go. will try to come back but Paul and Jaz have become curious. Must protect the sanctity of the damn difficult blog.

Manifesto...Declaration...Whatever You Want To Call It

So. Okso. After many a moon of not conversing with my fraps, I am alone. Sad. Not sure what the hell is going on.

Here is my declaration...my reminder...of Frap Principles.

Fraps love each other no matter how stupid they've been, or neglectful, or unaware. Fraps need each other to be there. The day-to-day is not unimportant, but in the grand scheme of things, we love each other and we need to remember that in these uncertain times.

For if we can't rely on the Other to be there when the going gets rough...what can we expect. We are alone. And we don't want that. A world without Fraps is a world not worth living.

If I was killed tomorrow in a terrorist attack, would you be sad? I hope so. I know if I lost any of you, I'd be...Alone. So alone.

I'm not really sure what happened but let's try to remember that we LOVE EACH OTHER.

At least, I think we do. My manifesto, or declaration, is that this is all bullshit.

If I am guilty of being busy and out of the loop, does this mean I don't love you? That I don't care???

No. And if you look inside your heart, you know I'm right.

I am tired of not knowing whether we are speaking to each other. I miss you all and want us to work out a way of talking so I'm not missing something, so I don't misinterpret. You have to understand, alot of times I hear things about one of you from the other. You might think you tell me but you don't.

I'm so busy lately. I have waited all night for Paul to go to bed so I can write this. I'm so sad. Please don't let us let the Frap bond die. It means so much to me. I will do anything to keep this alive. The Frap Bond is the most precious of my life.

I am sure you've been going through things. As have I. I am just trying to keep it all together. Please don't leave me. I love you so much.

I want to propose that we use this blog to keep each other up to date...or some neutral blog that we name together...so we can remain in touch.

I love you Flavia. I love you Julie. I love you Sheyam. Please believe that.