Which One of You Told TK I Was A Juicer?

Okso, I think I know...but I will ask anyhow. Who told Tom that I could "drink him under the table"?

F? Fess up. Jesus. What the hell!?

It seems okay though, especially after Tom had three martinis to my three glasses of wine. The dude can hang. Please see the other blog for specifics.

Wanted to tell you that Tom said he has real respect for Z, that she had a lunch with him in DC before she left for Lagos, and that he's "never been more worried about anyone" than Z...but that she's proved herself above and beyond.

At the risk of inflating F's ego, he told me he thinks she's "hot".

Bottom line, he said the fact that I am good friends with both of you says alot about me, so I suppose I have to forgive the "drinking under the table" comment.

If you read the other blog you know that Tom was impressed by my response to his movie question...his actual response to this was, "I should have married you."

I think it'll all be fine. London looks pretty good, starting next Thursday or Friday...and Singapore is a definite maybe. We talked about doing the show from there, which would mean it would be 2 in the morning, and I told him, let's do it, that would be do gangsta.

He just loves me. He says my enthusiasm is contagious.

One other note--Cynthia told me that when my taking over was discussed, she told them that I'm the only producer in radio or TV who books economists that no one else thinks of, that I "get it". That was a big compliment.

Apparently, I'm not just a dumbass lackey of diva. CC is jealous of my "gets".

Might Have to Create a New Blog

Paul was watching tonight and asked me what PC Confidential was? I told him nothing.

Jesus.

Was so agitated tonight I didn't take the proper precautions.

Anyhow, now that he's sleeping, just want to say that this whole Diva thing has me disturbed. I don't know. She now knows that I knew when we had drinks, but does that make it my fault? I couldn't say anything!!!

I am not some slave to management...but after all, she doesn't own me.
Oh shit. What a fucking mess!

One Other Thing

Was telling Mom that Kathleen reminded me of Michael...and Mom said, I should have put my hands around his neck in the elevator.

Meaning, at our divorce hearing, when she chased him away as he tried to talk to me, and he ran into the elevator.

I told her, well at that point the damage was done.

This was nine years ago on 8/25, and this year I forgot. Lois would say that was healthy. I don't disagree.

Wow. Paul is still really angry. I am loving him tonight. He's very frap-like in his defense of me.

The Verdict on the Baby Thing

So I'm okay. All my pipes are working. Talked to the doc today about it, and we're going to focus for three months on the natural method, and if it's not happening, I'm going to do some testing. Also, we talked about Paul and the bike thing, and we've discussed how to let his "boys" breathe more to help things along.

So Paul and I talked tonight and he's happy with the plan. I told him I only want one. One is good!!!

Have decided it is good to stay with my current job for the benefits until I have the baby. My God. The Golden Child. My sister doesn't want one, so it's up to me to keep the Halls going. And Paul is interested in keeping the Goguen line going.

What my doc said today about my "tilted uterus" is this: there's no reason you can't get pregnant. It's like you are left handed and others are right handed. You can still use your hand.

When the Going Gets Tough

I call my Mother.

This is what she said: "Don't take any shit. What, you were in the stirrups thinking about how you could fuck her over?" (She actually said that.)

Am feeling better.

Mom rocks.

Paul just now: "The problem is, you're too nice. This is another instance of Kathleen being a bitch. Don't let her do this to you. If you told her beforehand, do you really think she would have said "Good for you." ? She is a master manipulator. "

Patty, I say by next Tuesday you won't be thinking about this anymore.

I say, I don't know.

Paul: If she says anything to me, I'll let her have it.

Transitional P

I am transitional P. My new position was officially announced today (see the other blog for details)...but I will post what the producer I'm replacing said:

it won't be a problem. and tom will help you with ideas. i'llgive you tips on how to do an A+ job, and an A job, and a B job,and a passable job. know what i mean? it'll be fine. and thebeauty is, the big cheeses love tom. so you won't hear muchcriticism. i'm gonna miss living in that fantastical alternateuniverse, but it's time for me to face reality, and to sharethe warm fuzzy un-reality with someone else.

Unfortunately Diva isn't happy. We just had a really unpleasant phone conversation. Where basically she said I betrayed her, and the fact that I didn't trust her with this information means we aren't friends the way she thought we were.

I am crying and Paul is super angry. I told him she made me feel like MICHAEL used to make me feel. Why is the fact that I didn't tell her about this new transition in my career is a betrayal of her? He could always make me feel bad even if something was in my best interest.

My boss, the man who basically signs my paychecks, told me not to say anything. What could I fucking do?

I just...am sooooooooo upset right now I can't even blog about anything else. Paul is so mad I think he might punch Diva.

She made me feel like the lowest of the low...like I plotted against her. Look, I was told this was happening, and the fact that I'm happy about it is a plus.

I hate her right now. I am no match against master manipulators and she is definitely on Michael's level. I wish I could say I was joking but I'm not. It's that bad.

I did what I had to do to keep the relatively high paying job I have. She says she would never have "endangered me". Well it's easy to say that when the threat has been taken away. I am so upset about how the conversation with her went. She made me apologize for "hurting her". You have to understand, she knew about the HR thing, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

I am really upset and this is just bullshit.

Wow Paul is super mad.

My boss told me not to say anything and I didn't.

Scariest Photo of the Evening

My sister and I LOVED this man. When we were about 9 or 10.

Now...I think he looks kind of like a woman, with his facelift and whatnot.

Barry! What happened. You WERE kind of fab on American Idol this past season. But uh, you look kind of like Rod Stewart looks now. At the very least, you two are using the same stylist.

Jon Stewart

Best Show Ever. The one I Tivo. The reason I still believe we can beat the GOP in the next election. I am not the only person who realizes American politics is ridiculous, and I'm not talking about all of you who aren't U.S. citizens.

Kiefer!

Emmy winner. Husky-voiced actor. Son of Donald. Enough said.

Angels in America!

My favorite moment of the evening. Charlie's Angels all together again. When I was a girl, I always got to play Jaclyn Smith because I had the hair. Hope to look as good as she does when I'm 60-ish.

Paul said, watching this, "They all look pretty hot."

Too bad Farah is totally doped up.

Another Couple I Love

Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. She's just the fucking most fabulous. Did you see "Mrs. Harris"? She didn't win the Emmy but she totally should have. Well, except that Helen Mirren beat her. Thank God I don't have to choose.

Warren is looking a bit long in the tooth. Annette might be 45 or 50, she's gorgeous. I don't think she's 50 yet, actually. Sorry Annette.

My Favorite Couple

Here are Seal and Heidi Klum. I love them, and yet...don't you want to kill them for being so damn beautiful!????? She's about 7 months pregnant and she's gorgeous.

Best Looking Girl I Know Nothing About

This is that girl from "Lost", Evangeline. I don't know her but she looks pretty damn good in her purple gown.
I don't watch the show because I have no time for that. My sister, however, could tell you chapter and verse about this show.

Jeremy

I used to think Jeremy Irons was the hottest thing on the planet. I mean, my God. That was deep in my Brit phase. I still fade in and out of it, but Jeremy was the first. Then he did that movie "Dead Ringers" and it kind of put me off him. Seeing the gyno today, by the way. Ew.

Helen the Great

Helen Mirren is just the fucking best, even if her husband is Taylor Hackford. HACK being the operative word. Look how fabulous she looks, accepting her Emmy for "Elizabeth the First". It was uh...remember, I said on the other blog, kind of ponderous. But good. and Jeremy Irons won an Emmy too! (he's coming up on the blog)

Mariska

This is Marisa Hargitay, who stars in "Law and Order: SVU". She had a baby at the beginning of August and won an Emmy last night. She is the cutest. I have a serious crush on her (although her husband isn't bad, either). Her mother, did you know, was Jayne Mansfield?!!!

She got all choked up thanking her dad. Love her.

Back Again

So I had a brief moment tonight where I wanted to be domestic. Was at the store, thinking we really have nothing to offer Bill for breakfast tomorrow...and I thought, hey I will make blueberry muffins. I had this vision of Bill and Paul coming home inebriated, the apartment smelling of fresh-baked muffins. Bill would think, Patty is quite the homemaker.

Had all the ingredients in the basket, then I had a moment of clarity...um...NOT. I'm not worried. I think Bill has a pretty good read on me, after spending two weeks with me on Lake Erie.

Instead, I bought a fantastic coffee cake already made. I remember Mom loving them when I was growing up. And if Bill doesn't care for that, well...there are eggs and cereal. Personally, I always like cereal to start the day.

I sound like Patsy or Edina from AbFab most of the time, don't I? I suppose I am Pat-sy, being the sluttiest frap.

Saturday Evening

Hi girls. Have a moment alone here, as Paul has taken his friend Bill out barhopping. I am loading more songs onto his iPod and blogging (see the other blog for explanation).

So I was thinking tonight how crazy it is that I don't know yet if I'm actually getting this new job and if I am going to London in about a week. Isn't that nutty? But that's the company we work for...especially my department. It's all ridiculous.

Am listening to Pat Benatar, strange as that may seem. I loved her growing up and my dear sister bought me her boxed set as a birthday gift a few years ago...tonight, going through all the metal albums Paul wants on his iPod, I discovered Pat and thought, hey, haven't listened to her for awhile.

Right now it's early Pat..."My Clone Sleeps Alone". Do you three know this? Probably not. Pat is a little before all your times. She was, and is, a fabulous singer. And her husband is HOT HOT HOT. The guitar player, of course. Neil Giraldo. When I was 12 or 13, I thought he was the best looking guy in the world (and Pat did too, obviously).

She wore the leggings the first time around folks. Leggings and big belts and tunics. All the rage again. I remember one of my favorite outfits in the 80s: A big shirt, tight, straight-legged faded jeans, and a big white belt with huge O ring on it...to complete the outfit...white leather boots with rhinestones.

I wish I could say I was joking. Oy vey! But I thought I looked GOOD. I had blue eyeshadow probably...ugh.

Wow I sound more and more each day like a woman of 65, don't I? It's so SAD.

So I have little to report beyond the fact that I feel guilty about not telling Diva about this change that is coming...and that I would still really like to try and have a baby. I don't really think about it as much as it may seem to you, but tonight I am thinking about it. And drinking wine. And smoking. Nothing good for a fetus-t0-be, eh? I am an impossibly stupid person sometimes. Again I say, why is it that crack whores can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but Patty, who has never done hard drugs in her life and who can't remember ever waking up in a dumpster, can't? (although to be honest I've come close sometimes.)

Paul is getting on me more and more about the smoking. I really enjoy it. Damn it to hell. Although he makes me feel awful about it. Luckily he hasn't yet said, if you really wanted to have a baby....because then the RAGE might take over and I'd punch him.

Poop. I mentioned the uh, impact of HIS smoking to him and he said, "really"? As he lit up yet another.

You see the problem here folks.

Sammy Maudlin in the House

Well a little bit anyhow. See the other blog for an update on today. Decided to post THIS entry here because well...you're my girls.

I'm blogging in the other location...surfing channels. And I happy on a movie that is GUARANTEED to make me cry. I want to share with you why.

It's "Field of Dreams". A baseball movie, a movie basically for guys--although I find the fantasy of it quite beautiful. It's the last ten minutes of the movie that are guaranteed to make me cry.

Kevin Costner plays catch with his dead father. A father he kind of pissed off in life, a father he left (instead of one who left him) but who comes back as a young man at the end, and they play catch.

As someone who never got to resolve things with her own father, I can't even begin to explain how I WEEP when this scene is playing. I was just doing it, I have a headache. If I had one wish, it would be to be able to talk to my dad in some way. Tell him I love him. Have him hug me.

Of course Lois thinks this is the key clue to everything about me. Fuck you Lois.

All I know is, other than a baby--and maybe more-- the thing I want most desperately is to be hugged by my father. Of course that can't happen because this isn't the movies.

Oh shit. Gotta go cry. FUCK! I'm so sorry.

This is ALL GOOD

Paul and I are talking about this change. He says it can only help OUR relationship, because when I go off on the engineer during the broadcast it won't be him.

He said to me tonight that he can see how I've been unhappy. and how he's so confident that I'll be able to boss T around, unlike Diva.

oh dear. My poor Diva, she will feel bereft. Oh well.

SUCK IT.

Twists of Fate

Okso, I'm so unbelievably happy. I posted a reply to your replies but also feel the need to just write more.

I can now tell you honestly, that working on the show with Diva, having to deal with J, who I know you all like and who I like but who filed this complaint against me, has been sucking big time. I just feel...sapped of all my energy. Discouraged. Beaten down.

I am still looking for a totally new gig but this helps. In fact, as I tend to be paranoid, I wonder if my boss saw my CV posted on the Internet in various locations. I dunno. I know he had to pick SOMEONE to take the place of T's producer, who is leaving, but he didn't have to pick ME.

I know who is taking my place and I know she won't be happy but I'm trying not to focus on that. Maybe Diva needs someone a little less...enabling. This person is definitely not enabling. I feel like I want to warn Diva but I know that will only fuck me so I won't do it.

Only you three, Paul and Jessy, my pal who doesn't work at BB** anymore, know this. I can't impress upon you enough that it has to remain secret.

I wonder if I'm smart enough. Okay I know I'm smart enough I'm just having an existential crisis. I have a file in my contacts called ECO FAVES of P. It will be fine. And T gets the BEST GUESTS...and all his interviews get put on the terminal. I am in the big leagues now.

The down side is that I have to spend more time with T, who I think is uh...nice in a geeky way. But who I wouldn't necessarily want to have dinner with, especially now that his marriage is on the rocks and he's "on the prowl".

He's just a big dork. But he did save the Jerry Springer 3000 episode interview for me. We have a rapport. I already know that he'll do whatever I say. Which is awesome. I can't say this about Diva.

He knows about the change and he's approved. My boss said he's "Excited" to work with me.

Hoping to see Sicily and GUMS when I get to London, if not you three.

OHMYGOD. My life just got a million times better. Can I take the train to France and meet you there? Can I uh...arrange a summit with you three in London? C'mon. FABULOUS.

FANTASTIC.

I AM SO HAPPY TONIGHT. Paul is smiling. He already sees the benefits. A Happy Patty.

Exciting News on the Work Situation

Okso, if I tell you all this, PLEASE keep it on the down low. I am the first to know and have to pretend I don't know for a few days yet. I am being transferred to another show. I will be producing Tom K.'s show on radio, which is all economy stuff, all the time. Two guests an hour. And Tom is going to London next month and wants to take me with him. I am full of emotion. The frap summits suddenly become more doable if I'm going to be in Europe several times a year...I may even go to ASIA (although not likely, I said today that I SHOULD go to "learn more about the economies there". Hahaha ). Plus I will NOT be working so closely with Diva, which can only improve our relationship. AND I am no longer working with someone who filed an HR complaint against me. Am ecstatic. It will be challenging. I was told this is "almost" 100 percent a done deal, but something could go awry. Therefore, please don't tell anyone. I am just so happy. I've been so unhappy lately. My boss said he thinks I am "burned out" working on KC's show. Thoughts???

Rodney Dangerfield

So we were watching an old standup of his...and I mentioned his favorite line. Paul has adopted it for now and forever:

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

Paul can't stop laughing. He's changed it to..."Patty and I were happy for 38 years...then we met."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mice Are FUCKED

We think, after moving the refrigerator, that we've found the point of entry.

Unfortunately, during this whole expedition, I dropped the glass plate that is in the microwave, so I have to buy a new one at some point.

Goddam Mice. It's all their fault!!!

Paul is cleaning all the floors, he being slightly of the Felix Unger persuasion. If you don't know who that is, look it up.

So what do you all think of OK GO? I kind of like them. Not as much as the Arctic Monkeys but uh...ok.

I feel torn between two blogs. It's such a disorienting feeling.

Before Paul Gets Home

Okso, I RUSHED to get home for the de-mousing (no dead ones at this point, thank god)...and when I call Paul to see where he is, he's having a beer with a friend.

"Er, didn't you impress upon me the need to buy more traps and get home RIGHT AWAY?"

"I'll be there shortly."

In the background, said friend, "It's all my fault."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "Well hey don't expect me to come and help you carry the wine upstairs." (He was on yet another juicer run.)

"What do you mean?"

"Oh never mind!" SLAM. Well, inasmuch as it was my cell phone, there wasn't really a SLAM. But there would have been.

Men! And Paul, so easily distracted by booze. I suppose I'll get over it but now of course, Friend is thinking...ooh, Paul, what a beeyatch.

Yeah yeah yeah. I could have gone for cocktails with a friend but I said nooooooooooooooo...I must get home for the de-mousing.

(*&^(*&(*&*(#*!*&(*(*!!!

So to expand on my thoughts re: threesomes, I am a little too insecure for that. But game if it was another girl--perhaps the girl from my GYM!

I joke. I have trust issues that could kill a walrus. Ok that makes no sense but uh...you get what I mean. Paul was telling me how there are "rules" for that kind of thing. He's done it, of course, in his past life as a semi-rock star in Canada. I have done many things but not that.

And re: porn. My past experience with it isn't great. I tend to giggle. I told Paul I'd rather watch a film with hot love scenes than a porno. Suggestions, please??

Aside: When I was with White Sneakers he was into porn. But he got angry with me because I laughed while watching one of those movies. And isn't it funny, the man who said his girlfriend shouldn't know how to give a bl** job? There's some sort of irony there.

Paul said to me upon hearing this particular White Sneakers story, "I'd be mad if my girlfriend DIDN'T know how to give a bl** job!"

Worry not. Heh.

I'm definitely the sluttiest frap. Today I counted five men I've been with since 2001. Six if you count the guy on New Year's Eve, which I guess you have to because we did er...do it. Did I tell you this? At 8 am on New Year's Day he suddenly jumps up and asks what time it is. Within five minutes he was gone (home to his wife, no doubt). He's also the one that I made out with and texted Mary (remember her, F?) at the same time. Lois said I was "acting out" and was very "angry".

Yeah well...I remember he wanted to take me to another party and I said, "Let's go back to my place and fuck." He was agreeable.

That is super slutty. and hey, if you go back to 2000, there were EIGHT men. Let me see what my grand total is. I'll get back to you but it's definitely in the 20s. is that bad???

Urine

My friend Cynthia insists that if another "meat eater" pees in front of our door, the mice will go away. She has a neighbor who demonstrated this for her last night. I am not kidding. He peed in front of her porch to demonstrate. Janine says we can buy coyote pee. Er. Thoughts?

FUCKING MICE!

Okso you can check the other blog for the Mice details--point is, because we have to de-mouse our place, there will be NO porn shopping this week. We were going to do it tonight and I was looking forward to reporting back to you all. Well, I will try to edit a bit. Didn't mean to scare you. I was pretty damn drunk when I wrote that entry. Ha. Z, this was an offshot of the talk I mentioned to you a few weeks ago...that I begged Paul to let me blog it and he wouldn't. And then he just blurts out, "we need to buy some porn". Felt the need to clarify that we NOT discussing it at the time. and speaking of threesomes--oh sorry, we weren't but I am thinking about it--we've decided we're not ready for that. And I promise NOT to tell you when we become ready. Ha Am super stressed girls. Love this new blog. I may write to you again tonight. Couldn't last night because he was LOOKING the whole time. I have to be more careful.

Later Sunday Evening

okso this is what Paul said to me tonight:

"We need to buy some porn."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were watching a film with some love scenes in it. Apparently he was uh...stimulated. And decided if we view more fornication it could spice up our sex life.

Jesus. And I thought it was ME that had sex on the brain.

We have a date to go buy porn this week. Me being me, I suggested we also buy some toys.

Ok this is about as graphic as I can get. Thank god for this blog.

I can't believe I'm telling you this, but we also discussed bringing a third person into the equation.

WHAT have we been smoking???

Then P, riding the sexual freedom wave, said let's get some bl**.

I will report back, should we decide to go there. I would trust Paul on this. I COULD have done this in Africa but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, it was just Brad Pitt and F.

S and P, Acting Silly

So S, you see the need for a visit to NYC IMMEDIATELY so we can have something a little better than this. Actually I love this photo but er...that's just me.

Well But Here's My Z and My F

So this is one of my other favorites. S! We need one from 2006, but will add one from your last visit. This weekend is all about my love for the fraps.

Me and My Girl F

Okso, sorry. Felt the need to add this to the new blog because I've been thinking about her this weekend.

Doesn't mean I don't love J and S. Just means we need to get a fabulous black and white photo taken.

This is uh...me. An old photo but representative, to say the least.

Blogging While I Have The Chance

So hey, Paul went to the grocery store.

I saw a movie that for some reason resonated with me this weekend. "The Upside of Anger". Joan Allen is all bitter because her husband has left her and she's trying to start this new relationship with Kevin Costner.

The point is, in a certain scene she's screaming out bitterly about something and Kevin just yells at her: "I know you're in pain...but you are a piece of work. It would be hard for a patient man and I'm the farthest thing from a patient man!"

And he walks out. For some reason, this makes me think of Paul and me. He's yelled similar things at me...that I'm hard to live with, basically. Maybe I am. I am a piece of work. In some way, I am eternally fucked up. Paul has, at various times, screamed at me, "I'm not your ex-husband! I'm not Wayne! I'm not any of the assholes you've been with so stop treating me like I am!"

***************************************************************
Okso I got distracted by trying to log onto this chat thing that F just told me about. Paul was buzzing to be let in for ten minutes. Ha

Am interested in chatting as a way to be closer to my pals.

Okso Enough With The Drama!!!!

I need some of the face thingies the other blog provides. I need a happy face. To say, all is well and I love you love you love you.

Was thinking, why don't we all use this blog to update each other??? Privately, away from prying eyes.

Gao gao.

Have been very busy this weekend killing mice and just generally seeing old friends. Am being forced to listen to Pantera by Paul and I am rebelling.

Blogging instead. I think he's figured out this isn't the same website. I keep minimizing it when I think he's paying too much attention.

More when he's distracted.

Also On The Other Blog

Okso Paul said one of the funniest things ever to me tonight.

He was on the phone for what seemed like FOREVER and I complained, saying I needed attention.

He said, "Well I was arranging to get my child back into this country."

Me, on the bed, spread my legs and say, "I need you to get into MY country."

His reply: " Are you trying to take the O out of country?"

Ok that is pretty funny. And yes, that's what I'm trying to do.

What's On My Mind This Evening

Open Letter to My Fraps:

I love you so very much. Sometimes, when I'm at work, I try to join in your discussions or comment on your lives. I can't always be as eloquent as I'd like to be...I'm distracted by stupid co-workers, some issue that requires my attention when I'd much rather be frapping and thinking about YOU.

I am never trying to minimalize what you're going through or trying to offer you "pat, trite" solutions or suggestions. Sometimes it's all I can do to comment briefly, and I feel guilty that it takes me days to offer observations. Maybe you should step back and realize that I often feel left out of your discussions. I am obviously not privy to many of your stories, it seems I hear about them secondhand most of the time. Think about this and you'll realize I am right.

I feel so cut off from you so often, but that doesn't mean I'm bitter. It means, cut me some slack and don't think I don't care about what's happening to you. Pfrap is ALWAYS loving you and wanting the best for you...but sometimes she can't give you the flowery extensive comments she would like to. It means I have a crap job that distracts me from my pals and I am just trying to keep up.

This seems like a whine and maybe it is. All I'm saying is, who loves you more than I do? No one. You can search everywhere and no one loves you more than Pfrap. Pfrap is here for her girls always.

And F, special note to you: Thank you for your apology. I am sure you're going through something, trying to figure out what to do, and wanted something more than I was able to give at the time...but sweetheart, I can't offer you more than what I said, ultimately. I love you and want you to be happy. I don't find that trite, it's just the truth. I could write a poem about how I think no one is good enough for you, would that help?

No one is! And please don't get involved with another troubled person. Okso, also, remember that when you get involved with someone who has a child, that child becomes a part of the equation. You are thinking about getting involved with an ADULT. Tread carefully, children hate to be an afterthought.

Jesus. I love you so much F. As I love all my pals. If I sometimes fail you all in terms of my input, remember that I HATE being so far away from you and it kills me to feel left out. I feel that way alot.

The time difference is part of it, for sure. Right now I'd love to talk to one of you but I can't, you are either sleeping or out doing something fun. And it's so freakin expensive to call you anyway. That is one of the reasons our trip to Lagos will always be so special. We were able to just be together.

I am trying to think of more eloquent things to say but I had to get this out. I will admit to editing it after F and I talked (via email)...but it makes me so happy to be able to send you this letter. My biggest hope is that you three can feel how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much I HATE not being in BN so I can understand what you go through. I'm just this little broadcast idiot who has to deal with fucking fuckheads.

Mother P is always here for you, and always will be. That's why I sent that stupid (yet strangely touching) email about SISTERS.

Love and many kisses, P

My Particular Cross to Bear

Okso here's the problem. Am loving this new blog so much already that it will be hard to maintain my profile on the old one. Am doing this particular bit of blogging while Paul is cooking. Will he notice this is a different blog? Am thinking he's not that observant.

So just to clear up a few items...Z, am trying to download Justin Timberlake in your honor. Apparently this is a new DOS song that I will love. I hear, and I obey! However, it's not yet available on iTunes. WHAT is up with that?

Should Sicily be given this blog address? Am thinking she'd enjoy it. Want the fraps' input though. Who else should read it? F's friend in Paris? Her flatmates? What do you all think? They CANNOT forward this. Only P can give permission. Get back to me on this.

Lest you all worry, those of you that knew me back in the day, I think my Devil obsession is well in hand. As I told Z, I've been channelling Lois for a day now, and I think I'm in control. Today he flirted with me and I was like, WhatEVER.

Today I saw him for what he is...and I'm okay with it . Think I might be just too damn horny. I swear, Paul said to me the other day, Jesus Patty, you want it all the time.

Um. Yes? Is there a problem??

You know what the problem is? The man who could satisfy me wouldn't be necessarily the man who would make me happy outside the bedroom. WHY does life have to be like this??? Shit.

Electronics can only go so far. Wish I liked girls more, because the possibilities would be endless. Unfortunately, I like the High Hard One. My particular cross to bear.

Can I have an affair and not tell Paul??? I have no one in mind. Just putting it out there. Is monogamy all it's cracked up to be?

Of course it is. Without monogamy, there is anarchy. Don't know that I'd be so jazzed to find out Paul was fucking someone else. I am so selfish. Give me more, but don't you dare take more without my permission. Do as I say, not as I do.

Girls you have NO IDEA what it's like to be 40 and peaking. It is truly a curse. Makes you nutty sometimes. Wish I could just have various studs flit in and out, taking care of me...and then disappear. I am not interested in getting involved with anyone other than Paul.

Of course, if I get pregnant, all bets are off. I have a new favorite name for a boy which I won't divulge. I still think Paul is sterile from all his bike riding. How can we DO IT for almost two years and me not get pregnant. Well honestly, I've had another miscarriage recently, so I guess I've got issues as well.

Man. Am so drunk right now. Otherwise I wouldn't be telling you all of this.

Addendum

Wanted to add that now that I'm home, having gone to the gym and worked out like crazy to sweat out this strange sexual attraction I have to the most awful man in the universe...I feel a little better.

Paul just made me dinner, for chrissakes. I much prefer to be waited on than to be someone's lapdog.

Oh I don't know what it is. Devil and I have quite a history. He and I were always able to block out real life when we were together. I know he's a horrible person. You don't need to tell me that. Maybe it's the fantasy aspect I'm missing. Paul is my boy. He'll always be my boy, unless I toss him aside in a stupid act of self-hating stupidity.

Okay now I've been drinking, so deal with THAT.

Here's the thing. I really thought Devil hated me, but apparently I'm the one hanging on to old emotions. He's perfectly happy to flirt with me, because as usual it doesn't mean anything to him. I think I'm jealous. I'd like to not care. He's remarried with a one-year old boy. But I have no doubt he's been unfaithful. It's his M.O. It's what he does.

I want a baby and can't have one. I seriously think it's Paul that has the problem, with all his damn bike riding. I read an article about how it causes sterility. What does he care? He HAS a child.

You know, there's so much in my head I can't wait to get out on this blog. Forgive me for being selfish. I love all of you reading this (the precious few). If you have this blog address that means I REALLY LOVE YOU and TRUST you beyond time. Please don't advertise this address, and leave it up to me to give it to people. I've already decided my sister can't read this, much as I love her. She just won't understand.

Sympathy for the Devil

How fitting that my first post on this new blog would be about obsession, forbidden love, lust, pain, anger, sexual attraction--all things I am known for, for better and for worse. Have been TORTURING myself all day because I wrote to this ex-lover of mine when I swore I wouldn't. As I told Z, I couldn't resist. He and I work together but it's a big office and most of the time I can avoid seeing him. However, today I was meeting with Diva and jumped up from my seat to go off and find out something and didn't see EX coming my way. We sort of ran into each other but I wasn't even aware that it was him at first--since I wasn't really looking. I just sort of said oops sorry and then looked up and it was HIM. The Devil. Too brightly, I think, I said, "Oh Hi!!!" and then we both sort of ran away. We do that whenever we see each other (at least, in my paranoid mind, that's how it seems to me). Well Diva knows the whole story and she said it must be awful to have to run into him like that. Her exact words were something like, most people don't have to see someone who caused them so much pain at work. Truer words were never said. Anyhow...back to couldn't resist. Well I was sitting here and basically some strange long-suppressed compulsion made me send him a note... You've seen it but I'll post it anyhow: Did I almost run you over? Sorry! Reply:no, no. But I can't think of anyone I'd more like to be runover by... :) Now this is his typical flirty reply. The man has NO shame. Do you think he has any notion of how that shit affects me emotionally? Because (and this is because this blogspace is here for me to be HONEST) my first reaction to that was feminine pleasure. Oh look, he's flirting with me. I proceeded to thank him for the compliment and THEN I wished him a belated happy birthday (it was last week, and of course I remember. ) This is the main reason I'm torturing myself...how much does he love the fact that I did that? Am moritified to think he may find it odd that I remember his birthday. Odd or obsessive. I don't want him to think I still have a thing for him! Ah and here's the rub. I apparently DO still have kind of a thing for him. This is terrible for me to put down. The man just...AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.I can honestly say that he's like heroin for me. If I took one hit I'd be hooked again. I feel it. All day I've kind of agonized about this and why I feel this pull--I don't think any other man in my life has had this evil effect on me. Seriously. And maybe it's all wrapped up in how horrible it all was, and I know it was all wrong, and he didn't care about me and I got hurt...it's just sick! This side of me has me scared. I don't want to be unhappy like I was during that time. I want to be happy. I love Paul very much, probably more than I ever have...I fancy him. He's solid, dependable...he "gets" me. When we fight it's awful and I want to make up. I scream at him like I've never screamed at any man. I really think it's healthy, the way we fight. So why do I feel so dangerous right now, like I could go and do something that would hurt him. Not with The Devil. But with someone like The Devil. This is an awful state I'm in. Devil holds so much sway over me. It's fucking incredible how disturbed I've been all day. Fraps, you've had people in your life who made or still make you feel that way? I'm not so abnormal, am I?

Super Secret

Okso this is the "alternative" blog I've been threatening to start. Let's see how much fun I can have when I don't have to EDIT myself.